im terrible

i hate how much my happiness depends on how i look and how fat i feel. losing weight is all i care about. i am disgusted with myself. i cant stand seeing myself in the mirror, then i go and eat 2 cupcakes 2 cookies and chips/salsa and i just want to curl up in a ball and never be able to leave my cave until im frail and tiny and unhealthyly skinny. and its so fucked up for me to say but its just ze truth. tumblr takes over my life and i dont even have like a strong sense of community, im just addicted to the pictures and NEEd to look like that. in my fucked up brain being skinny is going to fix my problems. i need to be hotter than mlly. lol and i need ndrew to regret letting me go. i just hate everybody that i know. and i know im better than them but i cant get that across to them if im ugly and fat....staritng tomorrow im going fucking intense gym everyday and not fucking eating. yogurt fruit veggies and chicken. i think ill do the hwood thing again on tuesday and thursday, since i have my test tomorrow i want to be focusing on studying..not on starving myself. i literally think id be fine if i just start running for 45 to an hour every day. i did it in highschool so i dont get why i make it such a big deal here. i just need the endorphines. im a mess and im never happy, btu when i get out and do stuff for myself i feel good about my productivity and feeling healthy makes me happy. progress is happiness. and i know once i start seeing results ill be even happier and more motivated. in terms of everything else.. its all shit. i feel bad about all ln's drama with dv and grg. im depressed about dad in the hospital. it was nice to go out and be social, but i just like hate the way i look and dress and how im not confident. i need a serious wardrobe adjustment as well as liposuction. and my hair fucking sucks and i have no ways to fix it cause i try to do everything so right. grrrr. i hate how much i complain and lay here ilke a fucking slob, and do nothing about my unhappiness. im an idiot and only blame myself. bed early gym morning willl make my day good. yee.