i love not going out and feeling good and healthy. execpt i dont feel healthy yet becase i am not skinny yet and i dont go to the gym. serioulsy like if i just start going every night i will lose weight and be on my way to satisfaction. i need to so bad. for so many reasons. i gross myself out. i refuse to be this way any longer. and im making changes and being powerful and strong. hehe. im so gay! but im going to the library and then out to dinner with parents and blahblah so yea good day not a waste. i like being productive. and i want people to look at me and tihnk i have it all together and like what they see. i miss how i was like worshiped in high school.. all i get here is like being looked down upon and feeling self conscious and nervous about everything going on in my life, and what i look like. i need to make a change if im unhappy and im unhappy so changes ARE being made. birdie flying out of cage. i want a tattttt. nut. adios.

nnnkkkkk

merr weekend over. so proud that i didnt go out once this whole weekend. including tues and thurs. tomorrow it will count one week without drinking! go meeee. and i just have no desire to drink either. ive been talking to gwen all night. just love her so much and talking to her is my favorite. and she is my inspiration to stop eating so much crap and just lose weight already. she lost so much and made the biggest trransformation in her life and now is soo happy with a boyfriend and getting into tulane and blahbahlbh. funny cause shes always been the one to look up to me and now i just look uip to her and hate myself. college ruined me. who am i? like.. i dont make sense. i confuse myself. i want to go back to who i was sophomore and junior year. little and happy and innocent and like people looked at me and liked me. and i liked my life and myself. its so sad to say but i think the first step is honestly losing weight, working out, and eating healthy. it sounds so simple and easy and i just think that i need to spend majority of the time by myself and avoid social eating with shnn. and if i just go to the gym everyday i will be set because ive always been little and have potential so i should be fine if i start running again. but once im happy with myself i will be able to make friends and socialize and be confident and have fun. its all so simple and i just need to take control. im just going to try to think about the outcome more as opposed to all the little details in between. and imgoing to continue writing in this because it willl help me to reflect upon myself and not worry about who im talking to. except i feel most confortable talking to gwen. like LN is so hard to understand shes just in love with her boulder life and everything there and im just depressed and ugh it just doesnt match up. everyones happy. i suck. this is going to be a great week and i cant wait. im going to plan my meals for tomorrow

--gym at 9. greek yogurt with bluebs, clemms, apples, cereal.
--- coffee, yogurt and apple from colloqs
--------chicken with veggies and teryake sauce

first post

i need a personal blog for only myself. i dont write in my diary enough and i dont talk to everyone about everything i would like to because well they just simply wouldnt care enough about how much i want to whine. i just dont get who i am anymore. ln asked me if im happy and i said idk. and i just really dont. i dont know what there is to be genuinlly happy abuot when im at school. little things make me happy like a moment driving to school by myself with appy music, but like im not happy with my friends because i have like 2 that i see, ever. and like boys just like ew no. im fat. im ugly. im soo fat i really need to shed 20. and its like. my personality and reputiation and hwat im known for being is just so different and skewed here and it makes me pretty sad and dissapointed in myself. like i dont know if people like me. idk what they think im actually like and i have no idea how to change that. i like not going out. i feel better about myself.its just going to get to the point that i need to start seeing other people while sober. first step finish my community service hours im such an idiot like just fucking go there right now and stay for 5 hours faggot. i have no self control and power and confidence. and im going to try to work on it. and this whole entry wasnt even talking about like...ndr. he sucks. ml suckssss. i dont like either of them and by that i mmean i stilll definitely like him and will until i find someone i like just as much. i wish i could listen to myself when i say i hate him but i only hate him becauase i cant have him. its such an annoying situation and i just wish we never happened. uGH. i will be productive today and shower and be at pets inc by 1. starting now.