im really fucking irritated lately. i hate people who like have an image of me in their head. like amanda, thanks, i know im not dressde, but you dont need to point it out that we look lovely....and be really sarcastic. and yeah monica like i am looking into study abroad you dont have to sound so surprised and look down upon me just cause youre in italy and im here. i didnt want to be gone this semester leave me the fuck alone and dont say youre proud of me for being productive. i am a solid human being and im not asking for anybodys approvement. i hate people. i hate everyone. im going to run. and grr anger fuckingjkadfnkadjfklasdfjkladsjflksdf

im terrible

i hate how much my happiness depends on how i look and how fat i feel. losing weight is all i care about. i am disgusted with myself. i cant stand seeing myself in the mirror, then i go and eat 2 cupcakes 2 cookies and chips/salsa and i just want to curl up in a ball and never be able to leave my cave until im frail and tiny and unhealthyly skinny. and its so fucked up for me to say but its just ze truth. tumblr takes over my life and i dont even have like a strong sense of community, im just addicted to the pictures and NEEd to look like that. in my fucked up brain being skinny is going to fix my problems. i need to be hotter than mlly. lol and i need ndrew to regret letting me go. i just hate everybody that i know. and i know im better than them but i cant get that across to them if im ugly and fat....staritng tomorrow im going fucking intense gym everyday and not fucking eating. yogurt fruit veggies and chicken. i think ill do the hwood thing again on tuesday and thursday, since i have my test tomorrow i want to be focusing on studying..not on starving myself. i literally think id be fine if i just start running for 45 to an hour every day. i did it in highschool so i dont get why i make it such a big deal here. i just need the endorphines. im a mess and im never happy, btu when i get out and do stuff for myself i feel good about my productivity and feeling healthy makes me happy. progress is happiness. and i know once i start seeing results ill be even happier and more motivated. in terms of everything else.. its all shit. i feel bad about all ln's drama with dv and grg. im depressed about dad in the hospital. it was nice to go out and be social, but i just like hate the way i look and dress and how im not confident. i need a serious wardrobe adjustment as well as liposuction. and my hair fucking sucks and i have no ways to fix it cause i try to do everything so right. grrrr. i hate how much i complain and lay here ilke a fucking slob, and do nothing about my unhappiness. im an idiot and only blame myself. bed early gym morning willl make my day good. yee.

i love not going out and feeling good and healthy. execpt i dont feel healthy yet becase i am not skinny yet and i dont go to the gym. serioulsy like if i just start going every night i will lose weight and be on my way to satisfaction. i need to so bad. for so many reasons. i gross myself out. i refuse to be this way any longer. and im making changes and being powerful and strong. hehe. im so gay! but im going to the library and then out to dinner with parents and blahblah so yea good day not a waste. i like being productive. and i want people to look at me and tihnk i have it all together and like what they see. i miss how i was like worshiped in high school.. all i get here is like being looked down upon and feeling self conscious and nervous about everything going on in my life, and what i look like. i need to make a change if im unhappy and im unhappy so changes ARE being made. birdie flying out of cage. i want a tattttt. nut. adios.

nnnkkkkk

merr weekend over. so proud that i didnt go out once this whole weekend. including tues and thurs. tomorrow it will count one week without drinking! go meeee. and i just have no desire to drink either. ive been talking to gwen all night. just love her so much and talking to her is my favorite. and she is my inspiration to stop eating so much crap and just lose weight already. she lost so much and made the biggest trransformation in her life and now is soo happy with a boyfriend and getting into tulane and blahbahlbh. funny cause shes always been the one to look up to me and now i just look uip to her and hate myself. college ruined me. who am i? like.. i dont make sense. i confuse myself. i want to go back to who i was sophomore and junior year. little and happy and innocent and like people looked at me and liked me. and i liked my life and myself. its so sad to say but i think the first step is honestly losing weight, working out, and eating healthy. it sounds so simple and easy and i just think that i need to spend majority of the time by myself and avoid social eating with shnn. and if i just go to the gym everyday i will be set because ive always been little and have potential so i should be fine if i start running again. but once im happy with myself i will be able to make friends and socialize and be confident and have fun. its all so simple and i just need to take control. im just going to try to think about the outcome more as opposed to all the little details in between. and imgoing to continue writing in this because it willl help me to reflect upon myself and not worry about who im talking to. except i feel most confortable talking to gwen. like LN is so hard to understand shes just in love with her boulder life and everything there and im just depressed and ugh it just doesnt match up. everyones happy. i suck. this is going to be a great week and i cant wait. im going to plan my meals for tomorrow

--gym at 9. greek yogurt with bluebs, clemms, apples, cereal.
--- coffee, yogurt and apple from colloqs
--------chicken with veggies and teryake sauce

first post

i need a personal blog for only myself. i dont write in my diary enough and i dont talk to everyone about everything i would like to because well they just simply wouldnt care enough about how much i want to whine. i just dont get who i am anymore. ln asked me if im happy and i said idk. and i just really dont. i dont know what there is to be genuinlly happy abuot when im at school. little things make me happy like a moment driving to school by myself with appy music, but like im not happy with my friends because i have like 2 that i see, ever. and like boys just like ew no. im fat. im ugly. im soo fat i really need to shed 20. and its like. my personality and reputiation and hwat im known for being is just so different and skewed here and it makes me pretty sad and dissapointed in myself. like i dont know if people like me. idk what they think im actually like and i have no idea how to change that. i like not going out. i feel better about myself.its just going to get to the point that i need to start seeing other people while sober. first step finish my community service hours im such an idiot like just fucking go there right now and stay for 5 hours faggot. i have no self control and power and confidence. and im going to try to work on it. and this whole entry wasnt even talking about like...ndr. he sucks. ml suckssss. i dont like either of them and by that i mmean i stilll definitely like him and will until i find someone i like just as much. i wish i could listen to myself when i say i hate him but i only hate him becauase i cant have him. its such an annoying situation and i just wish we never happened. uGH. i will be productive today and shower and be at pets inc by 1. starting now.